Is Non-Monogamy the holy grail or just a hype? Honestly: I don’t care. As long as everyone involved is treated nicely, I am happy for all constellations that work and give space for the needs of everyone. That also applies for monogamous couples. All the tools and knowledge in this article can improve your mono or poly relationships. However, I have collected a few ideas here that can make your transition into non-monogamy smoother and might also ease turbulences when you’re already living non-monogamy.
To make sure we are on the page, I will briefly outline my definitions of various relationship styles, as different understandings of these terms are common.
- Monogamous: A relationship where partners share sex and romantic love exclusively with each other. (From “mono” = one and “gamos” = marriage) zwischen zwei Menschen geteilt wird (von mono = eins, gamos = Ehe)
- Non-Monogamous: Any relationship that is not monogamous, including polygamy and polyamory.
- Polyamorous: A relationship where partners have romantic relationships with multiple people. (From “poly” = many and “amory” = love)
- Polygamous/Open Relationship: A relationship where partners do not have other romantic relationships but share sexual intimacy with others. (From “poly” = many and “gamos” = marriage)
- Monogamish: A mostly monogamous relationship with occasional interactions with others, based on specific agreements, such as flirting allowed only at parties.
You might think I forgot to add a prefix like “ethical” or “consensual” to non-monogamy. However, my omittance is intentional. We believe non-monogamy is inherently just as ethical or consensual as monogamy. Insisting on such an attribute might even be detrimental to the public view of non-monogamy, maintaining the notion that non-monogamy is otherwise “unethical” or “non-consensual”.
PARADIGM SHIFT: FROM STRUCTURES TO NEEDS-BASED FLOW
In my journey towards healthier and more fulfilling relationships, I advocate for a significant paradigm shift: Moving away from rigid, fixed relationship models and embracing a needs-oriented flow. This approach recognizes that our “whys” —the reasons we choose certain relationship styles—can change over time, influenced by our life circumstances, health, partners, and even day-to-day experiences. Nothing is fixed, nothing is set in stone. So why should our relationship model stay fixed?
Rigid definitions like “monogamous” or “polyamorous” can feel limiting and may not always serve our current needs. Some people might feel pressured to define themselves or their relationships in a certain way due to societal trends or personal fears, such as the concern that opening a relationship means it can never return to monogamy. You might have heard of the distinction between “Poly as a Lifestyle Choice” vs.“Poly as an Orientation or as a Way of Being”. This paradigm shift encourages us to focus on our current needs and to allow our relationships to adapt accordingly. Instead of saying, “I am monogamous,” we can say, “To serve my current needs, a monogamous relationship form fits best.” This flexible, needs-oriented approach promotes fluidity and responsiveness, enabling us to create relationships that truly reflect and support our evolving selves and the people we care about.
Let’s examine: Motivations for monogamy and non-monogamy
As we move away from fixed relationship models and towards a needs-oriented flow,
it’s important to understand the various reasons people might choose monogamy or
non-monogamy. From the top of your head, write down all the reasons you have for
pursuing either a monogamous or non-monogamous relationship style.
Common motivations for non-monogamy:
- Boosts Ego: Having multiple sexual partners enhances my self-esteem and I feel more desirable when having multiple lovers.
- Self-Discovery: Intimate connections with others help me learn different facets of myself.
- Boundaries: Non-monogamy allows me to explore and expand my limits and comfort zone.
- Unfulfilled Needs: I have needs that my main partner can’t meet, so exploring them is important to me.
Common motivations for monogamy:
- Time and Energy: Non-monogamy requires extensive communication and effort and too many needs that need to be considered, which I can’t prioritise right now.
- Security: Opening up feels threatening; I fear losing my partner.
- Jealousy: I prefer to avoid dealing with jealousy.
- Depth: I cherish building a deeper relationship with one partner over time.
Tips on how to navigate non-monogamy
Reflecting on my work with clients, literature and experiences of friends and myself, I have compiled a list of learnings on how to navigate opening up a relationship without stumbling or disregarding the needs of oneself, their partner, or other people involved. Please note that many of these suggestions are shaped by my work with clients who are primarily in a committed relationship they are opening up. We recognize that there are many different ways to love, and those practicing non-hierarchical or more fluid forms of polyamory might have additional needs that go beyond the scope of this guide. We invite you to take what resonates and adapt the rest to your unique constellation.
- Addressing Needs within the Relationship: Many polyamorous individuals seek open relationships because they feel something is lacking within their current relationship. If your current relationship, for example, doesn’t allow for enough autonomy, it makes total sense that the urge to look for spaces in life where you get this is intensified. Instead of seeking fulfilment solely outside the relationship, it’s crucial to openly communicate desires for what is lacking with your partner. By discussing ways to incorporate more freedom within the relationship, you can strengthen satisfaction and intimacy. This principle applies not only to autonomy but to any other area such as sexual satisfaction and commitment. Use the tree model from my free “Relationship Workbook“, to communicate your needs and to find new common ways to adress them.
- Respecting the Pace of the Slower Partner: If one partner needs to move slowly when opening the relationship, it’s essential to listen and respect their pace to avoid causing unnecessary pain. However, this doesn’t imply being passive or that the person with the need for slowness should simply relax and enjoy not having to push forward. Instead, it emphasises the importance of taking the needs of all individuals involved seriously and actively collaborating to find a common pace.
- Taking Baby Steps: Even though you might imagine a polyamorous relationship in which you have all the freedom to have love relationships with whomever you desire, consider your partner’s fears and take baby steps in the beginning. Instead of diving into an open relationship with full force and pressure, consider taking small, incremental steps. This could involve starting with “simple” actions like flirting or kissing someone else before gradually progressing to more intimate interactions.
- Exploring Swinging Together: An often-overlooked alternative to solo dating is the option of exploring threesomes, foursomes and swinging together, which can be particularly suitable for partners prone to anxiety as it minimises the space for frightening fantasies. Swinging allows both partners to be present and fostering a shared sense of adventure.
- Negotiating Rules and Boundaries: Each individual may have different comfort levels and boundaries, so it’s essential to discuss and agree upon specific rules that work for everyone involved. For example, you may feel comfortable with a rule of “only kisses” for now, while your partner may prefer to start with “no physical intimacy at all” until they feel more secure. Once you’ve agreed upon rules and boundaries, it’s crucial to stick to them 100% when on a date. Any deviation from the agreed-upon rules without prior agreement can cause tremendous pain and mistrust.
If you’re unsure whether your actions would violate a rule, it’s best to err on the side of caution and discuss it with your partner before proceeding. Here are some examples of rules that couples might negotiate:- Level of Intimacy: Determine what level of physical and emotional intimacy is acceptable with other partners. This could range from kissing and cuddling to engaging in sexual activities.
Communication: Agree on how and when to communicate with each other about dates and interactions with other partners. This might include sharing details about dates or checking in at specific times. Some may prefer not to know anything about their partner’s date, while others may wish to receive information only after the date is completed, as being aware during the date can create heightened anxiety. Conversely, some individuals may feel more secure when informed about a date beforehand, as it allows them to mentally prepare and adjust accordingly. - Frequency of Encounters: Set boundaries around how often you’ll see other partners and how much time you’ll spend together.
- Safe Sex Practices: Discuss expectations for practising safe sex with other partners and whether or not you’ll require regular testing for sexually transmitted infections.
- Privacy: Determine how much information you’ll share about your other relationships with friends, family, and other partners. Consider the privacy of your dates before sharing any information with others!
- Level of Intimacy: Determine what level of physical and emotional intimacy is acceptable with other partners. This could range from kissing and cuddling to engaging in sexual activities.
- Analysing Pressure: If you or your partner feel pressured to open the relationship, take time to understand the underlying reasons for this pressure. Consider the best and worst-case scenarios envisioned and address any fears or insecurities driving the pressure. For example, one partner may feel pressured to open the relationship because they fear missing out on opportunities for connection or exploration. They may worry that if they don’t push their partner to open the relationship now, they won’t have the same chances in the future, especially as they age or their circumstances change. On the other hand, the other partner may feel pressured to allow their partner all the freedom they desire because they fear that if they don’t, their partner will ultimately leave them for someone who will.
- Reducing External Pressure: If you feel a lack of satisfaction in other parts of your life like job or friendships, it is more likely that you feel a lot of pressure to at least find satisfaction by having the freedom of an open relationship. Therefore, seek more satisfaction also in these other areas. This broader approach to satisfaction can help alleviate the intensity of the pressure to open the relationship and create a more balanced and fulfilling life overall.
- Reflecting on Past Experiences: Examine past experiences with autonomy-commitment dynamics, including relationships with parents or previous partners. For example, if you grew up in a restrictive environment or experienced jealousy issues from a previous partner, you may feel a heightened desire for autonomy and freedom in your current relationship. Talk to your partner about your situation. For some people, simply sharing can already ease so much pressure.
- Keep the Togetherness: If you have embarked on a journey together and don’t want to change that, then keep this togetherness as a compass. This means to reassess whether your current endeavours are really putting you on the same path as a couple or whether you run the risk of drifting apart. Ideally discuss this during a Candle Light Compass (see my free “Relationship Workbook“.
- Considering the Needs of Others: Remember to consider the needs and feelings of individuals outside of the primary relationship. Dating partners also have their own desires and boundaries that deserve recognition and respect. Avoid becoming so absorbed in the dynamics within the primary relationship that you neglect the needs of external partners. For instance, if your date sends you a nude photo, it doesn’t grant you the freedom to share it with your primary partner. Another common concern for dating partners in polyamorous dynamics could be that they feel like an outsider in this relationship. Talk with them about their needs and boundaries.
Also have a look at my other articles on attachment styes, working trough triggers and jealousy.
Do you want to open up your relationship, or are you having difficulty doing so without hurting each other? Are you struggling with jealousy? Book an introductory session to discuss your individual challenges and goals.